One of the biggest causes of frustration and misery in relationships occurs when one of the partners is dissatisfied with some aspect of their partner and tries to change them. This source of dissatisfaction can be anything from sleeping in too late, to smoking, to being messy. Regardless of the problem, trying to change your partner will only cause friction and resentment and force your partner to sneak behind your back with their behavior.

We as a society hold two popular views about relationship partners forcing change on each other. One view is that people do not change, and we should learn to accept one another as we are. But another very deep-rooted, albeit privately held, view is that we can change each other in a relationship.

I think this sense that we can change each other and do so easily – that we can “train” our partner to be whom we want him or her to be – is what allows people to get into relationships with people who don’t initially meet their expectations.

TO START
Look at yourself first. If you still find yourself needing to make a request, do it. This will give you the opportunity to practice the vital skills of asking for what you want and negotiating.

TRY
You must demand change from the other because if he/she loved you enough surely there would be change. He/she is bad and wrong in the first place for doing the thing that upsets you. He/she is bad and wrong again for not changing without you having to say anything. He/she is very wrong for balking at the change once you demand it.

You should also know that when you demand, you are not likely to get what you want. And your partner definitely has the right to say no.

BE FRANK
To create change, make your requests clearly, gently and as soon as you become aware of the need. Your requests are more likely to be granted. However, if they are not granted, you cannot demand change.

Making an effective request is definitely a skill. To learn this skill, please read next week’s newsletter.

BE POSITIVE
When you request change from your partner to further growth and development, it is often very good for him/her. However, any underhanded attempt will be met with resistance and anger. You will not get change. In fact, things may get worse.

If the change is something your partner wants for himself or herself, offer support in creating it.

Relationships are never perfect, and rarely do perfect partners come together. At some point in every relationship, partners want to change something about each other.

You may never change another, nor may you request change. Seeking change in another is avoiding changing yourself. The change must happen within you. You must strive to become such that the other’s behavior no longer bothers you.

Do you dislike your partner’s intake of alcohol?? If your persistent complaints are not affecting him, you come to think that marriage will certainly change him. Well, let’s get it right that you have already committed a mistake by thinking so. We all have our cues which our partner may or may not find pleasing enough. But assuming that marriage will help you change the person is only going to cause you disappointment unbound.

Firstly, the only person you can ever change is yourself. Expecting to change your partner just because he is married to you will never undo the plight of women who constantly want their partners to abandon their ill-habits. Addictive behaviors are by large out of one’s control, especially because it calls for personal intervention.

This is so because we still consider ourselves to be individuals, accustomed to living life by our own terms, without any interventions. Consequently we want even our partners to accept our persona in the same vein. We fail to understand that the person is somebody else outside of us, has lived life in a different way and may opine differently on the same issue. So saying that, “ I know its annoying when he goes out to drink with his friend during weekends but once we’re married, he’ll change”, is untrue.

Your mate will change only because he WANTS to change and not because you want him to. Well, people do bring about some changes in themselves once they are in a relation but it succeeds only so long it is natural process.

People rarely change for the better when they are under pressure from someone else, even if its their loved one. In a partnership, you work together to mutually create a new relationship. It is a sharing process. Yes, it may have its bitter moments but as long as you both are working together for each other’s betterment, you will certainly succeed.

Strong relationship does call for commitment asking for compromise, change and growth but it does not mean giving into the unreasonable demands of your partner.